After my NCT course the other night I decided that I wanted
to do a separate post on depressions as is not a common thing that’s discussed.
I’ve had depression on and off all my teenage life maybe
even slightly early. I can’t say at all that I had an unhappy childhood if
anything I was more lucky than most. Mum and Dad had their own company and were
doing well, we lived in a nice house, had lovely holidays and me and my 2
bothers were lucky enough to be sent to private school.
The earliest memory’s I have of it is being at boarding
school and writing on my diary how unhappy I was and how I didn’t want to be
here anymore, we always put it down to bad PMT.
Over the years on and off it reared it’s ugly head, then in
1998/1999 I had quiet a bad car crash where I rolled my car over on the A329M
near Wokingham when I feel asleep, I was very lucky and got out without a
scratch on me but a few days later the nightmares started & so did the low
feelings, visit to the doctors confirmed I had depression and I was put on
medication which helped.
A few years later though a very difficult time with my (ex)
husband , I again started to feel low so after a visit to the doctors I was put
back on antidepressants but these actually made me worse, the feelings of not
wanting to be here anymore came flooding back, I remember sitting in the
kitchen on a few occasions knife in my hand just wanting to end it all. My one
saving grace over all the years has been I have been too bloody scared to
actually try to kill myself mainly due to the massive fear of what happens if I
try and someone saves me? I was differently at the lowest point of my life, I
had no support from my ex. I know now he was actually part of the problem. As
always I wasn’t talking to anyone and making out to everyone everything was ok
but actually it wasn’t, I was living with an alcoholic and an attention seeking
self harmer! No combination to put with a depressive! With the help of a
counsellor I found the strength to get myself of the tablets and sort my life
out this started by dumping my (ex) husband and moving back home with Mum and
Dad.
A few years later it showed up again, by this time I meet
Chris, I remember him feeling so helpless when some days I would just cry for
no real reason and nothing he could do would help. Over time we started to
discuss my feelings more and slowly this started to help, at this time my Doctor
also changed my pill due to my weight and I was finally feeling normal. This is
how it continued for quite a few years.
What I didn’t ever say in my Weight loss blog post was when
I hit goal I started to feel down again, my confidence had completely gone as I
was spiralling into possibility of getting an eating disorder. I managed to see
all the warning signs. After my previous experience on antidepressants I
decided that was not an option or me but remembered how the counselling had
helped before so through my works employee assistants program I found a local
counsellor and after 8 sessions I learnt to start loving my self a bit more.
As soon I found out I was pregnant I started to worry about
getting postnatal
depression
and now as the time of the birth draws ever closer my fear of it comes back.
Chris and I have spoken about it and also after the NCT course the baby blues. We both know I may
get postnatal depression and know that I may not notice the signs and therefore
Chris and my mum (who I’ve also discussed things with) will be keeping any eye
on me. I am hoping that it won’t affect me but it’s always best to be safe
rather than sorry.
One
of the main things I have learnt over the time is not to bottle anything up to
talk to Chris about how I am feeling. I’m very lucky with Chris as he’s very
understanding, listens most of the time but most importantly knows when not to
dismiss my feelings, he does get fed up of me moaning all the time at the
moment, which I feel bad about.
I
know that’s it’s never right to be feeling low and like you want to cry all the
time for more than a couple of days and that if I suddenly don’t want to do
something I love doing then something might not be right and finally that
medication is not always the answer!
Thanks
for reading x
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